The winter swells are coming! Surfline Man must do something! He can’t sit here on the couch.
The winter swells are coming.
Every day Surfline Man looks at the forecast and every day there is a big swell on the models, just taunting him. It’s ten days from now.
Now it’s fourteen days.
Now let’s go.
Now it’s back.
Eventually, this giant swell will appear right here on her favorite beach. Just imagine! Swell lines stacked up to the horizon. Aerial sets. Dreamy green walls. Maybe he will even be crossed out. Surfline Man feels dizzy just thinking about it.
But there is a problem. Surfline Man isn’t even ready for big winter swells.
On the one hand, it needs a new board of directors. He’s a good surfer now, and if there’s one thing Surfline Man knows, it’s that all good surfers have a good level. Surfline Man does not have a step-up.
At least not yet.
But Surfline Man is totally going to have one. Maybe something with more rocker.
A guy in the parking lot was telling her about her new board and what she had, the perfect rocker. Surfline Man wasn’t going to admit he had no idea what rocker was or how it worked, but it seemed important.
Maybe he’ll go to the surf shop later. Toggles. It even sounds fast. Surfline Man wants to go so fast on big winter waves. It is sure to be the best winter ever.
But first, Surfline Man needs to get in shape. Back in San Clemente’s day, his ex-girlfriend would drag him to the gym. He hated it, especially. But it kept him from becoming a total slacker and flabby and so forth.
Since moving to Cardiff, Surfline Man has slacked off on the whole issue of training and healthy eating. He had big plans to go to yoga with the pretty girl in Swamis parking lot. Too bad he never thought about it.
And sure he rides the e-bike sometimes, but even Surfline Man knows the e-bike won’t get him in shape for winter swells.
Surfline Man needs a plan. He needs to get back in shape, so fast right now. Hopefully the internet can save Surfline Man from his bad decisions like he has done so many times before.
Everywhere he goes on the Internet, Surfline Man sees ads for Whoop. He loves the way his favorite brands are following him now. It’s so nice to have friends everywhere he goes. He doesn’t understand what a Whoop is, or what he does, but if surfers use Whoop, that must be cool.
Surfline Man is pretty sure he should have one. He types Whoop in Google.
Oh, a Whoop will get him in shape. It’s so perfect right now. And there is like a club that he can join and train! Her ex was crazy about Peloton and all the courses, instructors and the like. She talked about them all the time, like they were her best friends.
Surfline Man knows himself. He’s not good at getting up from the couch. Like, he will totally win the recovery part of the workout. But maybe if he has a trainer he can do things sweaty too. Surfline Man cannot type in his credit card number fast enough.
While he’s waiting for his new Whoop, which he’s pretty sure will completely change his life, Surfline Man thinks he better practice first. It would be super bad for his morale if his numbers were all low. He wants to come fly in his Whoop training like a pro.
What to do. There is a BJJ studio nearby, but everything seems so sweaty. Plus, he struggles with the name. It looks so much like a pipe. He can’t even do without it. Surfline Man knows he should be better than this. But it is absolutely not.
So Surfline Man has an idea. He should get back into shape the old fashioned way. Go to the gym and pump up some iron. Surfline Man is going to be pumped up! Just like Arnold! He’s gonna put on his lululemon and hit the gym, and get so jerked off. He’s going to be so ready for the winter swells.
Flicking through his phone, Surfline Man finds a gym. He squeezes into his lululemon and realizes that in fact, his fitness plan is just a little late. Even more determined than ever, Surfline Man fills his last Hydroflask and grabs a bar of organic food.
Then Surfline Man realizes he has no idea what to do in a gym.
Back to the Internet. Surfline Man drops onto the couch and opens his laptop. Basic workouts. It is almost certain that core strength is very important when surfing big winter swells. Only Google can save it.
Men’s health. That rings true. He’s a man, and he’s really in his health right now. Surfline Man feels like he’s getting closer. The Internet fully understands this.
25 best abdominal exercises. Surfline Man is shocked. 25! It’s so much abdominal exercises. He had no idea getting pumped was so complicated. Arnold made it all so easy. Surfline Man feels he has a lot to learn. This whole fitness stuff has more moving parts than the perfect reduction.
At that moment, his phone rings.
meeting for beers later
want to join?
no I’m trying to reduce
you have to be in good shape for the winter
participate in the whoop program and all
Good luck with it all
Surfline Man is motivated. Watch him, skipping beers, making good choices!
But he has to admit that he didn’t expect there to be 25 abdominal workouts. He’s going to have to work hard before he goes to the gym. Surfline Man doesn’t want to look like a full-fledged amateur freak at the gym. It would be so embarrassing to be in high school again. Surfline Man is shivering.
Winter swells are coming! Surfline Man must do something! He can’t sit here on the couch. He must be fit, strong and ready to ride his new surfboard, which he has not yet bought, which will certainly have the most rocker.
What the hell is he going to do now? Really, he’s not prepared for the gym.
Functioning. Surfline Man thinks everyone can run. With renewed motivation, Surfline Man leaps off the couch. Something in his hip or maybe his knee is exploding. Hell, he really needs to exercise. Well, he’s going to do it right away. He’s going to crush this race so badly.
Surfline Man searches his closet for a pair of shoes. He really doesn’t have any shoes for running or going to the gym. Mentally, he adds shoes to his shopping list. He’s pretty sure his new friends at Men’s Health can help him solve this dilemma.
Surfline Man unearths a pair of broken Vans. They aren’t exactly yelling at the athlete, but Surfline Man knows he has to start somewhere. He ties them up and straps his phone to his arm. Reading list, baby! Surfline Man doesn’t know much about running, but he’s pretty sure he needs the right playlist to make it happen.
Coming out, Surfline Man grabs an old Vans hat and puts it on his head. Surfline Man feels so good now. He likes his brands to match. He wonders if Vans makes sportswear. It would be really good. Returning his Vans hat, Surfline Man is so ready now.
Through the front door, in the fall sunlight, Surfline Man hurtles down the sidewalk toward the ocean. He’s gonna run and he’s gonna run straight to the beach.
Surfline Man feels so free! He’s pretty sure he’s going to sort out this fitness issue in no time.
Then he remembers. Running hurts. It hurts so much. Surfline Man is pretty sure he’s been running for an hour already. The beach doesn’t look any closer than it was when he left its driveway. Her legs are totally broken. And his lungs! His lungs are burning! They burn so much.
It’s really hard to breathe right now and Surfline Man is pretty sure he’s going to pass out here on the Cardiff sidewalk, not so far – but still too far – from the beach.
Surfline Man sees himself in a store window. He looks sweaty and disheveled and not even cool at all.
His side! It’s so cramped right now!
Surfline Man wants to lie on the sidewalk. He is almost certain that running was not his best idea. Obviously, he needs to prepare more carefully before trying any more of the fitness stuff. Surfline Man is sure that the right shoes will totally help.
Surfline Man turns around and walks home. It turns out he hasn’t traveled very far at all. He refuses to be depressed by his lack of progress. Surfline Man caught a wave in Malibu! He’s pretty sure he can totally figure out how to get in shape in time for the winter swells.
Back home, Surfline Man walks into the kitchen. He doesn’t know much about fitness, at least not yet. But he knows that it is very important to eat protein after a hard workout. He almost passed out on the sidewalk, so he’s pretty sure his run counts.
Rummaging through his pantry, Surfline Man finds a half-forgotten box of whey protein. He throws a good dose of protein in the blender. Then he adds kale, almond milk, peanut butter, blueberries and a banana. All her favorite things! Surfline Man is eating so healthy now.
Surfline Man takes off his shoes and returns to the sofa. He lifts his legs, which he is almost certain is important for recovery. He even can’t wait to find out how to exercise properly.
Surfline Man opens his laptop. The 21 best running shoes for 2021. Yes! This is exactly what he needs. Surfline Man will totally fall for running now!
His phone is vibrating.
Surfline Man switches to Surfline and quickly scans the text. Solid NW headed straight for the California coast.
A winter swell! Surfline Man suddenly feels dizzy. He takes a deep breath. He’s about to pass out on his couch and drown in his protein smoothie.
Seven days! Surfline Man has just seven days to get in shape for the first swell of winter. He doesn’t even know how he’s going to do it. And, he needs to find a new step-up surfboard with that much rocker.
Surfline Man has too much to do. Surfing is so important to him. It is absolutely vital that it is completely ready when the big swell arrives. He opens Google Calendar and marks the date.
On a mission, Surfline Man heads for the Sprinter.
He needs to get to the surf shop right away. He needs a boost and he needs it now. He only has seven days left before the first big swell of winter!
Surfline Man has no time to waste!