Coleen and Wayne Rooney leave the Royal Courts of Justice in London, as the high-profile libel battle between Rebekah Vardy and Coleen Rooney continues. Picture date: Monday May 16, 2022. PA Photo. Rooney accused Vardy of disclosing “false

As imagined by Brian Beacom

I know it’s still early days, but I’m one hundred and ten percent sure that we’re going to win this case when the judgment is handed down.

You followed the evidence. And so you know Rebekah Vardy has told stories bigger than Tom Cruise’s heels. And she dug herself deeper than Tijuana’s cocaine tunnel, except I don’t see her coming out the other side buzzing at all.

But now that it’s over, do I regret the experience? Yes. As you know, I hate publicity, except when I do double-page spreads for Closer and Hello magazines, and body workout DVDs – which have sold millions, by the way – and my autobiography, and my four Style Queen books and my newspaper columns… sorry, am I boring you? Nope? It’s just that your eyelids started to droop.

Yes, I admit that I like people who say “You are Wagatha Christie”. You can solve just about anything, Coleen!

But so often I had to respond ‘OK, I can call out backstabbing opportunists, but Northern Ireland protocol is a bit beyond me’. And no, I have no idea what leveling up means. And I certainly can’t explain what an amateur Scientology movie actor, even if he does his own stunts, has to do with the Queen’s Jubilee.

But when you’re married to someone like my Wayne, it pays to develop some detective skills.

These days, if we walk down the street and he even glances at a grandma as she embarks on Boots for her Tenas, I’m all over him like a trialist centre-back. That’s why it wasn’t hard to find out that Rebekah (allegedly) is leaking like our old lavatory sink in Croxteth.

Has the week been difficult for me? You know, the hardest part was when someone stopped me on the street and said they thought the TV serialization of my latest book Conversations With Friends was slower than a train of apologies from Nicola Sturgeon.

While I’m at it, I’m not one to get into politics, but how hard is it to find a few Casey Jones’s with around $50,000 a year?

Anyway, I said to this guy, ‘Not me, man, it’s Sally Rooney.’

And they said ‘No, she’s the great Scottish actress.’

At that point I gave up and said jokingly; ‘Sorry. The next book I license for serialization will be more entertaining.

And they said: ‘You should write one about two pranksters who go to court determined to outdo themselves, in a time when we live in a UK food bank.’

I didn’t laugh at it, to be honest. But I was like, ‘Glad you reminded me. I have to bring Wayne some Kinder treats for the plane ride.

Low cal, of course, because too many people said his gym jacket made him look like a supercharged geography teacher, but without the O-levels.

Either way, the legal battle is over. And as Boris says of the 126 Covid fines, ‘It’s time to move on’.